Not the ones I have.  The dreaded cellulite.  90% of women suffer from it and would do anything to get rid of it.  Bad news ladies, you can never completely get rid of that orange peel skin, but there are a few things you can do to dramatically reduce its appearance.

Here are some things that contribute to the formation of cellulite:

Diet: Particularly food high in toxins such as fried foods (that’s K.F.C out the window), caffeine (no more diet coke breaks), salt (the nasty stuff retains water) and sugar (only at the weekends girlies).

Genes: Some of us girls are predisposed to having the lumps and bumps from the day we are born. Thanks mum!

Lifestyle: Poor circulation, a sluggish lymphatic system, lack of exercise, excess stress and not enough water all contribute to the development of cellulite.

Age: The older we get, the thinner our skin becomes, and the more muscle tone we lose, resulting in cellulite becoming more visible.

Hormones: Particularly oestrogen, contribute to the formation of cellulite, which is why hardly any men get it.  Also, the pill and pregnancy can exacerbate the condition. Why do men have it so easy?

And here are a few tips on how to keep this condition under control:

Drink at least 2litres of water per day to flush out any toxins.

Eat a varied, healthy diet with plenty of fruit and veg high in antioxidants such as tomatoes, peppers, blueberries, the more colour on your plate, the better!

Plenty of exercise with a mixture of cardio to burn off fat cells that store cellulite, and weight and resistance training, to build muscle and reduce the appearance of the lumps. Lunges and squats are great for toning those problem areas such as the thighs and bum.

Regular massage increases blood and lymph flow, which will help remove the toxins that cause cellulite. Try massaging the area for 5 mins twice a day. Why not treat yourself to a professional salon or spa massage.  Much more relaxing than doing it yourself!

Try brushing the area for 5 mins after a hot shower or bath twice a week with a firm body brush.  Then, switch the water to cold for as long as you can bare it. This will help break down the fat cells.

Why not pop in to your local salon for a mud contour wrap.  You are guaranteed a minimum loss of 6” all over your body with the ‘Universal Contour Wrap‘. Woo hoo!  It costs about €190 for a course of three.  It will also tighten your skin and leave those wobbly bits feeling a lot firmer.

Hot pants here I come!

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Ladies, do your feet look like bread crusts with a smearing of jam on the toes?  How about shorts, have you forgotten to shave your knees and upper thigh and maybe the tops of your toes during this rationing of blades in our present economic mess?  Do your gladiator sandals look, right now, marv on your alligator skin shins?  Well then, please take that ten euro you’ve set aside for the weekend and go buy a pumice stone and a jar of peppermint foot cream (both available at Boots).

Though, depending on the condition of your heels a keen substitute would be a small cheese grater from Marks.  Now, I’m sure you’ll have nail clippers, a plastic washing up bowl, two towels, one being old and rough and some nail polish.  Btw, black/blue or black/grape look fab on the toes making them look a perfect porcelain, and a bright orange-red may also turn your Summer frown upside down.  Well, I think you are now ready to begin.

First, blare some Beach Boys whilst filling the bowl with warm water adding just a dash of fairy liquid and salt.   Please don’t ask for an explanation, or else I will have you here all day.  Lay the nice towel on the floor under the bowl in front of a comfortable chair. Soak your feet in the warm water for about ten minutes.  Remove one at a time and use the rough old towel to exfoliate close around your toenails, your arches and the skin under your ankle bone.  Scrub your heels and other sole callouses with the pumice stone, but take care not scrub the finer skin.

Cut your toenails dead straight across.  Now don’t keep your little piggies in the water for too long, don’t get too caught up in a movie, of which I prescribe, the original version (of course) of Swept Away, or they’ll get pruney.  Rinse again and wipe dry.  Now, in a safe place, set down your glass of wine again.  Paint your toes, wait for them to dry thoroughly, then slather them in peppermint foot cream.

Have a nice clean pair of socks at the ready, and for God sakes, do stop crying about the man that got away last Summer!  He had ‘lady hands’.

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