…go skinny dipping somewhere! Anywhere! The weather is great!

…select some fun items from the bargain rack at Penneys and have your mum cut and sew them into something you like? It beats any local fabric store.

…try on Sarah Ferguson’s plea for forgiveness when dashing out from some chic bar upon discovering you haven’t enough money for all those martinis!

…be like a tree and leaf at any suspicion that your Chanel make-up salesgirl has not one single clue about colour!

…go for a walk in the woods with a good audio book on your headphones. I recommend Jane Eyre or Alice in Wonderland.

…buy from a city fruit stand something super expensive and exotic then promptly eat it passionately on the busy street.

…and finally decide to be very nice to yourself.

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Tell the plump guy with pointy pointy shoes he looks silly.

Buy a self warming mask (Body Shop), slice a cucumber thinly for all your eyes and tell your girlfriends to bring the Malibu and Pineapple!

When seeing the new Sex in the City on Saturday night pack your most treasured trinket in your pocket with a Tiffany’s silver flask of lemon Stoli!

After the movie call an ex-boyfriend and have all your friends laugh hystericaly into the phone then hang up!

For Sunday morning arrange to have some good coffee in the larder, and tons of Brioche. Then download an old Academy Award winning film.

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I am Irish. Tell Me… What Do I Look Like?

I would like for just ten seconds to be an unbiased foreign observer in a room of native Irish women. Maybe then I could see what other nationalities see in ‘my Irish beauty’. I mean, I know what a beautiful Persian girl looks like, but I wonder what ‘I’ look like.

What makes me, an Irish woman, beautiful? I am certain I don’t have the almond-shaped eyes of a Persian girl or a nose like Streisand; so what do I ‘have’. Of course, some would say that this way of thinking is naive and superficial. At this day and age the term ‘typical Irish looking’ is of course as backward as feeding a spoon of raw honey to an infant.

Thanks to the surge in Irish wealth during the Celtic Tiger, the world became a smaller place to the average Irish person. Air travel was effortlessly affordable and we became part of the European union and so on. Nationalities from as far flung as Nigeria to Poland are now changing and beautifying this recent generation of Irish. I see them often in prams and at schools. They are beautiful. Now, most of this cultural blending did not come about until probably no more than two decades ago. There are the dark Irish, which are of Iberian descent and are believed to be descendants of the survivors of the Spanish Armada many hundreds of years ago. I think the dark Irish are lovely and would love to have their complexion. Often they have very dark eyes which are hooded with hair sometimes as black as coal. Red hair, freckles, pale skin and pug noses (this popular upturned nose was the nose job of choice in the 80′s/90′s) are now becoming an almost mythological stereotype. Yet, I would say that most Irish are still fair, with neat noses and posses features which are very three dimensional. For that reason, our faces are very animated. The term ‘smiling Irish eyes’ which I know I have, probably have roots in this ’3D’ theory. My deep features make my face appear highly animated. When I am feeling compassionate, worried or happy we can light up a room or send you seeking safe shelter.

It’s my opinion that Irish men are very handsome although I think the same of many nationalities, Italian, Middle Eastern etc. Most Irish men have large heads, a sturdy neck and shoulders, and wrinkly bedroom eyes. Just look at how many Hollywood heart-throbes have been either Irish or of pure Celtic stock. One British friend told me the other day that she would like to ‘die in the arms of an Irish boxer’. I said to an elderly man, of whom was black Irish, that ‘he should have gone to Hollywood long ago!’. He wasn’t impressed and continued with his dirty task of shoveling tar into a roadside hole:’ I think the old man could have been a much better James Bond than the pretty Sir. Roger Moore!

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According to a dictionary Glamour is a kind of haze in the air, causing things to appear different from what they really are. An unaccountable, alluring beauty or charm, often with sex appeal.

So why and what makes you and I glamorous, or strives us to be glamorous? When and what moved us to base so much of ourselves around things of beauty and the way things appear?

The bottom line is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Full stop. It’s that simple. A wonderful example of this is how glamorous women choose ugly dogs. Ga-ga gorgeous men with wives which are obese, have beards and wouldn’t even pass as ‘attractive’.

For some years I was a hair stylist and came to recognize a common component in the personality of persons in the glamorous professional beauty game. As a hairdresser in America it is every person for he or herself. Clients are stolen, color bowl sabotage, you name it. But when you’re a stylist you’re a celebrity. Your client wants to be as fabulous as you are, know all about your boyfriends and why they dumped you. Oh god, it was awful. You know, I think I’ve ascertained why certain styles tend to make a woman look glamorous and sexy. (1) very high heels and (2) wears high hair. High heels make a woman look vulnerable. When we wear our hair high on our head it makes our faces smaller, more delicate, like we’re dumb and unknowing. Visually we are great prey for the tougher sex. Hmmm, I’m sure there’s more I could come up with. How about false eyelashes? What is it about those silly things that make us so cute and groovy looking? I dunno! I’m just a glamour-puss.

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Buy a WHITE swimsuit!

Adopt an ugly wee dog.

Ask Mum and Dad if they’ve stashed away any clothes from the 60′s or 70′s.

Make a pair of cuff bracelets out of Coke cans!

Learn to tie a turban.

Meet tons of new people this weekend.  Good or bad.  Connections will get you everywhere!!

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Fashion slang. Ever really thought about it? ‘fashion slang’ I am not talking about slang that is fashionable, ie. 1940′s slang for naturally being nach!, I’m talking about slang that’s been put out there by cool people about the adverb ‘fashion’. I claim no credit to the marvelous slang you’ll find below. I came across them on the urbandictionary.com. Oh, and you should see all the slang names for Facebook, and so on. My favorite slang is ‘bad ass’. It refers to a person or attitude that is…. oh, I won’t even try. It’s great. Have a look for yourself. Which one or you? Be honest.

Fashion Fatigue – When you’ve seen so many fashion blogs, twitter updates, facebook links, live runway shows, fashion mags and street fashion photos that you inwardly shut down and dress in head to toe black.

Fashion Maven – Someone in the know about all things fashion; Someone who people look up to for their fashion sense and expertise; A person who has special knowledge or experience in fashion; an expert in fashion; someone very skilled in all things fashion.

Fashion Goat – A person who wears all different styles and fashions regardless of trends. Usually no concept of fashion whatsoever, therefore creating a mish-mosh of clothes. Sometimes so bad, it’s cool.

Fashion Girl – a really cool girl who likes to see and read all about fashion shows. In almost all cases a fashion girl is skinny, and doesn’t eat too much. A fashion girl loves parties and fashion music like “telepop musik” and fashion tv music, which is also one of their favorite channels on tv. Fashion girls most of the time are stupid, but cute in some cases fashion girls like to consume drugs like “X ” xtasy, to keep the party on … Fashion girls like to travel to fashion places like Tokyo, London, Paris and New York.

My only contribution to this posting today are a few photographs that I think epitomize some of these fashion characters. I won’t own up to what kind ‘fashion type’ I am. I have grace.  (Recognize SJP above!)

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What am I wearing right now?  How funny your should ask.  I am wearing an off-black coloured ballet neck top with a long dark grey wool skirt.  On my legs – charcoal woolen tights.  At my waist is a lilac pashmina.   I have owned every one of these items for more than ten years.  Except the tights and shoes of course.  I shall need to slip into my silver sneakers in few minutes because I want to plant some flowers.  Aren’t I smashing?  The point I’m trying to make is that one should buy less than more, and buy better than cheap.  Things should last for you for years, bottom line.   Now I can elaborate more on my point by listing just a few of these ‘few good things’ and a ‘few of these’ bad things.  And, for ‘screaming mary jane’s sake’ please don’t go on about Penneys.

Penneys is wonderful for undies, and clothes for the husband, children and so on.  Here we go:

GOOD INVESTMENT…

Men’s oversize cashmere sweater

Winter coat that’s styled by a good designer, it won’t date for many years and it will always put ‘out to the world’: caaaa lassssss…

Complete linen ensemble.  There’s nothing better than looking put together on a stinking hot day.  People will assume you own a yacht.  But ladies, stay away from the baggie, hippy look.   That’s just tired.  If you insist upon doing so do it with artistic flair. Brilliant big silver jewelry or a choker made of steel and turquouise.

Shoes: No explanation needed.  Your shoes say alot about yourself.  Where you’ve been and so on.   Always keep a stiff upperlip.  But I can tell you this, I think wearing my sister’s old boots from the 70′s is incredibly cool.  But again, they were Frye boots.

Pashmina wrap.   They will never go out of style, I hope.  Have as many as you can, or just one or two.   I recommend one for the Summer and one for the Winter.  Black, pumpkin, khaki, hot pink and so forth for the cold months.   Honeydew, creme, pale pink, watermelon or beige for the Summer.  But remember to buy a colour that becomes you.   A good trick is this: When shopping for one, or for anything for that matter, wipe off your lipstick.  Yes, you heard me!   Allow yourself to look pale and poorly so that you can see what colour(s) makes you look better.  Perhaps you stand there under the shop lights looking anemic but when throwing a brown one across your neck you look like a smokey woody creature who is likely to bed all the men in the forest.  Then try a white one, I bet it will still make you look anemic.

Jeans: Well, above all, these should make you look great.  Even if they come from Penneys.  But, I generally go to Brown Thomas every two years and buy an expensive pair which are artful, dangerously serious and say ‘I’m so cool, I have rock stars to my house on most weekends’.  Bloody hell Stella.

Black dress: Everyone needs a great little black dress.   Again, it should make you look great and last a long time.  Change it’s look all the time with its accompanying jewelry, shoes, jackets and so on.   Example, I’m going out this weekend and wearing mine with black sequin leggings and big black earrings that take no prisoners.  God, you can do so much with your little black dress.

Jewelry: Buy one of a kind jewelry from little boutiques.  Make your own bracelet with bubble wrap!   Buying mass produced jewelry is fine.  But keep it cool.  Etsy.com is fab for this and so much of it is handmade.  Ebay is great for second hand gems.  But oooooh, make sure those baubles aren’t haunted!

In closing, know that this all can be done for small money.   It can.  Use the internet and so on.  Order from other country’s where the euro is of good value and shipping is low.  But careful, don’t order something that is heavy.  You’ll pay through the nose.  Happy hunting to all you out there that are of the ‘softer nature’, girl or boy!

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Don’t wear rubber flip-flops any further than your front gate!

Don’t wear patterns or this Summer’s horrible new ‘florals’, if you’re freckly.

Don’t ever drag or shuffle your feet, even in your bedroom slippers!

Don’t walk loudly like a marching Reich soldier in your hollowed high-heeled cheapy cheap black boots; you give me a headache.

Don’t stand behind me in a que and shout down the mobile phone to ‘yer ma’; that gives me a headache too.

Do know it’s Summertime, so go and put your snuggly Uggs on snoozey.

Do bin all your broody, long, dark, Wuthering Heights’ get-ups as well. (We get it, change the record.)

Do know that if you are unable to buy Summer clothes at the mo’, it is more than great to wear a white bed sheet as a toga with that great yellow Fendi belt you scored at Boston’s Filene’s Basement years ago.  It WILL look great, take it from me.

Do pair a mens’ Barbour sweater with light linen trousers and an authentic Hermes scarf tied in classic front knot, with triangle back. Yes, you will look like the Queen of England, but you will also look wealthy and sophisticated.  Wait… the Queen wouldn’t wear linen trousers, would she?  Oh, go on!  We all love that JFK, Nantucket/Martha’s Vineyard look don’t we?  We does!!

Do ask me questions.  I know just about everything there is to know!  I could probably even tell you if he’s ‘into you’ or not.

Do ‘go Google’ for information and prices on quality wools and/or cashmere sweaters.  Because it will look so god-dang-smashing tied across the shoulders for when he proposes to you on some beach this Summer.  Oh, don’t we all love that JFK, Nantucket/Martha’s Vineyard prep-school look?  We does!!  Stay positive, and pray for a hot Summer.

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This weekend, Why Don’t You?

Wrap a pashima at your waist with jeans and pin with sprig of freesia.

Wear earrings that tickle your shoulders with loads of lip gloss!

Wear identical cuff bracelets, loads of them, on both arms!

Paint your nails peacock blue!

Try a taste of the classic ‘Brandy Alexander’…

This is typical if something Diana Vreeland used to publish in Vogue in the 1950′s.

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Ladies, do your feet look like bread crusts with a smearing of jam on the toes?  How about shorts, have you forgotten to shave your knees and upper thigh and maybe the tops of your toes during this rationing of blades in our present economic mess?  Do your gladiator sandals look, right now, marv on your alligator skin shins?  Well then, please take that ten euro you’ve set aside for the weekend and go buy a pumice stone and a jar of peppermint foot cream (both available at Boots).

Though, depending on the condition of your heels a keen substitute would be a small cheese grater from Marks.  Now, I’m sure you’ll have nail clippers, a plastic washing up bowl, two towels, one being old and rough and some nail polish.  Btw, black/blue or black/grape look fab on the toes making them look a perfect porcelain, and a bright orange-red may also turn your Summer frown upside down.  Well, I think you are now ready to begin.

First, blare some Beach Boys whilst filling the bowl with warm water adding just a dash of fairy liquid and salt.   Please don’t ask for an explanation, or else I will have you here all day.  Lay the nice towel on the floor under the bowl in front of a comfortable chair. Soak your feet in the warm water for about ten minutes.  Remove one at a time and use the rough old towel to exfoliate close around your toenails, your arches and the skin under your ankle bone.  Scrub your heels and other sole callouses with the pumice stone, but take care not scrub the finer skin.

Cut your toenails dead straight across.  Now don’t keep your little piggies in the water for too long, don’t get too caught up in a movie, of which I prescribe, the original version (of course) of Swept Away, or they’ll get pruney.  Rinse again and wipe dry.  Now, in a safe place, set down your glass of wine again.  Paint your toes, wait for them to dry thoroughly, then slather them in peppermint foot cream.

Have a nice clean pair of socks at the ready, and for God sakes, do stop crying about the man that got away last Summer!  He had ‘lady hands’.

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